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The Revolutionary War: How It REALLY Happened

Andy — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 18:00:52 +0000

In honor of today’s World Cup match against our colonial oppressors, here’s the greatest car commercial of all time.

Now that’s what I call a “special relationship.”

(Thanks for the tip, Luke.)

Who is Bill McCollum, anyway?

morgan — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 00:06:58 +0000

Apparently, he is state attorney general under Charlie Crist but is running to be governor of Florida too. He is also trying to sue the federal government.

Let’s get this straight. Bill McCollum is standing up for our rights as citizens against health care reform! Three cheers for our one-man squad. Oh wait, he seems to have a team with him. A few other states have agreed to come together for this case, including: Alabama, Colorado, Idaho, Michigan, Nebraska, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, Texas, Utah and Washington. The attorney generals for each state have finally joined forces to stand up for our rights!
They just happen to be mostly Republicans. Definitely a coincidence. Definitely.

According to CNN, “White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the Obama administration expected to win any lawsuits filed against the health care bill.” The big guys don’t seem to really be worried about the little Republican ant army.

Specifically, McCollum stated he had problems with the insurance mandate in the health care bill, that requires everyone to be insured or pay a fine, but low-income people get an exception if the insurance costs are too much. His argument: “This is a tax or a penalty on just living, and that’s unconstitutional. There’s no provision in the Constitution of the United States giving Congress the power to do that.” He wants to personally sue President Obama for surpassing his boundaries as President of the United States.

However, there is power in the people. More specifically, power in a single man to speak for the country as a whole. Oh wait, that’s the president, the one who signed the health care reform bill after the House of Representatives passed it. (You know the House of Representatives, that group of folks we the people decided were qualified to make decisions on our behalf as representatives in an election.)

It seems like this fun little political scandal/press gimmick is a fresh and interesting reminder that most people in this country don’t really understand that we do control the government, hence the title DEMOCRACY. The president was elected, remember that? In 2008, with all the signs with John McCain’s face on them?

McCollum claims this is an infringement on our rights, but let’s take a few steps back. Exactly what will the Health Care Bill do, anyway? What McCollum didn’t say:

Health care reform would reduce deficit by $143 billion over the next ten years.
Over 32 million Americans will now be insured with affordable health coverage who were not insured previously.
With Medicare, senior citizens also will receive a 50% discount on prescription drugs starting in 2011.
Medicaid will expand to include 133 % of the federal poverty level (FPL) and to include childless adults.
The Federal Government will pay 100% of newly eligible individuals’ costs.
Illegal immigrants can no longer legally purchase insurance coverage, even if they pay for it themselves… in cash.
Insurance companies cannot deny coverage to children with preexisting medical conditions and by 2016, they cannot deny coverage to anyone with a preexisting condition.
Insurance companies have to allow children to stay on their parents’ insurance plan until they are 26. (Now that’s a plus I can get behind!)

So regardless of the insurance mandate that McCollum so avidly hates, the reform bill really isn’t some big bad monster come to eat all of our lives away. If we are looking for inexpensive health care, and I think that deep down inside we all are, it seems Obama had his head on straight when he signed that bill. It appears there are a lot of benefits, that responsible leaders carefully thought out to put into this health care reform bill. Most of them are benefits, but nothing in this world comes free, hence the mandate. Whoever expected to have doctors at their door begging to treat patients who don’t have insurance and can’t afford to pay out of pocket must have been confused–and that is what the mandate is for. So calm down McCollum, Big Mr. President Man knows what he’s doing.

Yahoo! News has its take on the matter with this outstanding headline: “White House, experts: Health care suit will fail.” I think that says it all.

For all those who claim Canada or Costa Rica are better options, or are maybe looking over to Russia from their Alaskan border where the ice is apparently whiter, remember that Canada and Costa Rica have socialist universal health care like most of Europe, and Russia used to be the USSR.

Cuuuuuuute! (Watch These)

Andy — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 15:30:19 +0000

Poor mister kitty. Look at you hard at work, disrupting the stopper in the sink. You marvel me with your speed and determination. Even though your paws clearly seem to be making no progress, you don’t let it get you down. The world needs more determined people like you. You inspire me.

On the other hand you remind of the guy at the office who works on the third floor, but no one really knows what he does. Those who do know his job can tell you that he’s wasting his time, but no one has the heart to tell him. I don’t have the heart to stop your pointless digging. It’s okay though because you look cute doing it.

Oh my goodness little cold piggy, I just want to scoop you up and put you in my Ugg boots. You have been the inspiration I needed to make bath time purposeful. The kids I baby sit think that I’m trying to drown them when I start filing up the tub. Not even bubbles and rubber duckies are enough to entice them.

In the future I’ll just throw them out in the cold for a half hour or so. By then they’ll be begging me to let them inside and give them a bath. Plus I’ll make an extra dollar that night for having the kids clean for the parents.

Here’s a thank you in advance for helping me solve the crisis of bath time. Hopefully you can remind us all how pleasant a warm bath can be.

Michael Steele and Shep Smith Are the Greatest, In Very Different Ways

Andy — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 13:00:22 +0000

“And let’s go FireNancyPelosi.com, baby!”

(via TPM)

WE HAVE TO MOVE THE CAKE!

Andy — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 18:00:59 +0000

Could someone please explain to me what this is about? I’m so Lost right now. (Boo! Sorry.)

(Via the Daily What.)

Carly Fiorina’s New Attack Ad “Hot Air” is Hot Mess

Andy — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 19:00:04 +0000

My fellow Americans, here we are again, confronted with seven minutes of the most insane/hilarious political propaganda ever created.

Carly Fiorina’s new campaign ad stars Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) as a horrible demon blimp that floats around our nation, babbling indistinctly and casting an ominous shadow over all of us.

I know what you’re thinking: “Who will save us from the comical zeppelin of terror?” Carly can, my child. Carly can.

Who’s Carly? Judging by this video, she’s another millionaire former CEO convinced (correctly) that you can buy advertising with money.

I love the comparisons we see: Carly smiling with a warm backdrop, smash cut to the Boxer Blimp spewing “partisan hot air” (HAHA GET IT? BCUZ SHE’S A BLIMP???) or a shot of her crying at random monuments in DC.

Not that we should be surprised, really. After all, this is a state whose governor slid his way into office toting a funny accent and a “bad ass” movie resume. It was bound to create these little “Carly-Monsters.”

The small truth anyone can and should extract from this abomination is this: the people responsible for this ad are IDIOTS. Carly is a law school drop-out who should be focusing less on comically losing a Senate bid and more on keeping the voices at bay.

The question remains the same: Who believes this shit? Is there someone out there, anyone, who believes Senator Boxer is more concerned with global warming than with actual terrorism? Actually, now that I think about it, of course there is. Probably a lot of people believe that. Which makes it really hard to not just give up and surrender. At least there will always be people like Carly to give people like me something to laugh about.

God bless America.

Boobs & Coke: The Angie Valencia Story

Andy — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 20:00:46 +0000

This is a story about Argentinian lingerie model Angie Valencia, and her alleged cocaine ring.

That’s NOT her. That’s an insurance broker. But, she owns the domain name angievalencia.com. I just wanted to let you know in case you ran there hoping for some glamour shots. THAT’S NOT HER. This is her:

You know, for a lingerie model, she seems to have NO other photos online. Just this blurry scan that keeps getting used. Just how good of a lingerie model is she?

Anyway, this headline grabbed me, obviously:

“Lingerie model Angie Valencia running global cocaine ring — using fellow catwalkers as mules: cops”

Hot chicks engaged in high-stakes crimes? Possibly in their underwear? That sounds awesome!

Oh, wait. Yeah.

Few details seem to have come out about this yet, but in a nutshell, Valencia is accused of running a cocaine ring, using fellow models as drug mules. (They were known as “Angels,” like Charlie’s, except they ran coke, and were probably not familiar with wirework.) Every day, they’d stock up on 100 pounds of coke (or, more than they weighed), and fly from Buenos Aires to Cancun or England to offload. They were pulling $5k per trip, much more than the usual $0 Craigslist ad that promises “EXPOSURE and FOOD!”

This sexy house of sexy cards came tumbling down sexily when one of the models was caught with coke at Ezeiza International Airport. Apparently, she didn’t even hide the coke in the bag, leading investigators to believe she had “help from employees.” Look, I don’t run drugs, but if I did, EVEN if I had inside assistance, I’m still getting the luggage with the false bottoms. If movies have taught me anything – and they have taught me everything – it’s that the “inside men” usually screw things up. So, cover your ass, and get the right bags.

So, as expected, Valencia is at large, and has been for two months, “with her beloved Pomeranian dog.” Because drug lords, first and foremost, need to ensure Miss Schnookypoops is protected. That’s how they got Pablo Escobar; they put a tracking device on his calico. (They did not do that.) Some other fun facts:

She was named Colombia’s “Queen of Coffee” in 2000. Don’t worry; I took the title back in 2001.
She started dealing drugs after splitting from “a Mexican drug lord known as The Monster.” Hey, if I broke up with a woman who only owned a small snow-globe business, I would still avoid the snow-globe industry. Valencia’s got some balls cutting in on The Monster’s territory, especially considering he’s nicknamed THE MONSTER. I doubt he got that nickname because he cut “monster deals.”

And bravo to the New York Daily News for the following lovely bon mot:

“The voluptuous Valencia, named Queen of Coffee in her native Colombia in 2000, apparently moved into stronger stimulants last year after quitting her modeling career.”

Ha! Y’know, like cocaine, where people get killed and their heads removed and sent to their families! Clever girl, NYDN. You can sniff out a joke like a bloodhound.

Look, I want this case to be more exciting. Hopefully, there will be a speedboat chase, where a cocksure, plays-by-his-own-rules FBI agent has to take down Valencia while Michael Cera pilots the boat. (How did his son-in-law ever get caught up in this mess? It’s a laugh riot!) But, no; she’ll either be found hiding out in the Caymans in a month, or we’ll never see her again. Such is the sad divide between fiction and reality: even when Xenu hands us a ridiculously Hollywood-friendly scenario such as this, it’s just going to disappoint.

Unless we find out she stole a speedboat. And that, for some reason, Queen Latifah is chasing her. Then it’ll be fun.

[via NY Daily News]

Cute Animal Alert: Puppies + The Beatles =

Andy — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 16:00:40 +0000

Do we even need to explain?

Cute Animal Alert: Kitten Vocalizes Gustatory Satisfaction

Andy — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 21:30:05 +0000

Dear little kitty,

My mother would love it if her children responded with as much delight and joy as you do while eating your cat food. It’s hard to smile and rub your stomach when you are eating leftovers for the third night in a row! But obviously it isn’t hard for you.

I wish I could bring you to all of the family dinners and have you sit next to me. Unlike a dog who just sucks in food, showing no appreciation to the flavor or taste, you would make anyone feel like a great cook. Nyom nyom nyom nyom!

If only you had been there the day my grandma made me eat an egg sandwich on dry wheat bread. Maybe you could have eaten it in my place.

Cute Animal Alert: Turns Out Angry Koala Bears Are Terrifying

Andy — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:00:03 +0000

I thought that koala bears were supposed to be like those adorable stuffed bears I used to carry around with me when I was little! I was so wrong.

From now on, my koala bear stuffed animal will not have the privilege of sleeping beside me. Oh no. He will go on the floor- for all I know he might want to rip my throat open.

There are two things especially crazy about this video:

1. Koala bears actually moving!

2. The noises coming out of their cute little bodies sound more like death threats from the Devil.

But I’m also a little worried about the person taping this epic charade. He seems very, very concerned.

Perhaps these koalas just need to get a little more sleep in their 16-18 sleeping periods. Or maybe they should think about switching up their diet. It just occurred to me that koalas eat eucalyptus leaves, which are poisonous to other mammals.

What kind of cute creature would eat something that’s poison to other cute creatures? The evil kind, that’s what.