Dear Alan,

I’m sorry you find my preliminary P so worrisome. But surely you know enough about your own language to realize that “pneumono-” has its roots in ancient Greek to describe all things lung- and floatation-related. Without it, we would be lost, unable to describe such medical conditions in such a succinct way, instead having to say “that condition where there’s fluid in your lungs and they have become inflamed, probably because of the presence of some bacteria or virus.” If that all-important P was left off and you chose to spell me “neumenia,” people might start to think that, instead of a deadly disease, I am some sort of delightful musical condition where multiple notes are sung as one syllable.

Of course, you likely don’t speak Ancient Greek, but your language takes its words from all sorts of foreign sources. If it’s a purer language you’re looking for, perhaps you can substitute in the Finnish “keuhkokuume” or the Japanese “haien” when you wish to describe pneumonia? These languages might have more of the purity and less of the confusing lettering you so brazenly seek. As for the H in “phone,” surely you cannot have only just now, in your life, encountered a word that uses “ph” to make an “f” sound? You cannot possibly have never heard of words such as “elephant,” “dolphin,” “phenotype,” “orphan,” “pamphlet,” “typhoon,” “sapphire,” “trophy,” or “graphite”? Even if none of these have made an impression, I find it hard to believe a young lad such as yourself has never heard of a “diaphragm,” am I wrong? But still, you would have us dropping the second letter from “phone,” presumably leaving us to pronounce it like pwn. This would be a most distressing turn of events for both the word and the English language on the whole.

In closing, before you begin to convince the other twenty-four letters to try to take us on, I suggest you consider that I am the sixth leading cause of death in the United States, and I annually take tens of thousands of lives worldwide, and this is the world after you humans discovered penicillin and other antibiotics.

What I’m saying is, enjoy your neuroses about not making 100% on a spelling quiz, and sleep with one eye open.

Sincerely,
Pneumonia