Let’s get one thing straight first: I do not hate going to the gym. But I go quite often which has caused me to hate the people who also go. So I have compiled a list of people I encounter going to the gym… of whom I hate.
Let’s start off by saying that men and women shouldn’t go back to the Stone Age, but I like it when men are men. I have always appreciated traditional gender roles; maybe that’s because I’m five feet tall and can’t open a jar of pickles by myself. That means men should not be crying when watching The Notebook and not accepting morning sex when it’s offered. If you want to play Black Ops and spew obscenities for hours on end, that’s okay, because I know that’s who’s paying for dinner tomorrow. Also, ladies, there are always going to be things that men do better than us. Deal with it. We can cry our way out of a ticket and flirt with men to get free drinks, so it’s a pretty fair trade.
I’m just going to start off by saying that I love road trips. I love the games, telling scary stories, pigging out on junk food and listening to cheesy radio stations. But my favorite aspect of road trips is the ever strange and quirky roadside attractions. Most of us have heard of Johnny Appleseed, but what about Johnny Donutseed? This 25 ft. statue stands on BP truck stop at exit 217 on the I-10. Both Johnnys share the signature ripped pants, pony tail and friendly smile. But Donutseed proudly wears a BP trucker uniform while holding a donut in one hand and drinking a hot cup of coffee in the other. Photos are free, but the Donut seeds are sold separately (like not at all).
Dear P,
I recognize you, you sly thing. I see you from a mile away. You’re the red headed step child, the ice cream without the cherry, the solar powered flashlight. Today I got my spelling test back. Would you like to know my score? It’s a 95% and it’s because of you and your misplaced sense of self importance. Do you feel special sitting there in front of the ‘n’? Do you truly feel your contribution to the overall spelling and complexity of “neumonia” is beneficial? I’m not surprised though; you weaseled your way into neumonia just like you and your accomplice ‘h’ weaseled your way into phone. I’m surprised the other 24 letters haven’t kicked your ass yet.
Having paper in your wallet by doing little to no work has always been an attractive concept. The proof lies within the growing amount of people who have been joining the World Series of Poker since it first appeared on television. It’s only three days of work for the first prize of over eight million. When it was first televised almost ten years ago, the prime winnings were a lowly cool million. I grew towards poker during my teenage years but found out soon enough that I was no good at it and did not have the patience to dig through books and highlight sections on the practice of “reading your opponent.”
Fortunately, there’s a better option than making the yearly “business” trip to Vegas for a minimal chance at profiting: the stock market. Dow Jones and Apple are up while Yahoo suffers and I’m feeling lucky. They say bears and bulls make money. What about man? Better yet, why not anybody?
As I write this, I’m only about a month deep into studying the stock market and investing but I have an insatiable thirst to watch my money progress into more. With the aid of my trusty financial advisor, Eric, I’ll bring information to the masses on what is or is not a functioning aspect of being a new investor. Time will progress and based on my language, you, as a reader, will probably be able to tell how well or poorly my endeavors are doing. I will not, however, be giving an analysis of the market and why the time may or may not be prime to invest in so-and-so and sell because of this or that. If that’s your expectation then go watch Mad Money with Jim Cramer. It’s got the information you need and the attention-grabbing ability that’s equivalent to kids watching Dora the Explorer or Barney.
Each week I’ll discuss what I’ve learned and share information based on how I’m exploiting the market. Just don’t expect me to admit to any insider trading.
This week’s Term for Success: Time value of money. This relates to the fact that money today could be potentially worth more than the same amount in the future, primarily because it can be invested and has the extra time to grow interest. Example: A $500 savings bond at 5% per year over the course of ten years is actually worth $750. This may not seem like a lot but it is a secure investment.
Last Thurday’s episode explored Sheldon’s relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler while Leonard’s new situation as the only single guy was exploited in the name of hilarity.
Leonard asks Sheldon about Amy, hinting that Sheldon now has a girlfriend. Sheldon makes it very clear that Amy is just a friend and it doesn’t look like their relationship is going to move beyond video chatting and emailing until Amy wants to bring him home to her mom. Sheldon then does everything he can to avoid her, even sending a breakup email to end things quickly. However, Amy eventually gets a chance to tell Sheldon that she only wants to introduce him as her boyfriend to her mother so that she can leave her alone about the subject. He agrees and later gets a chance explain to Amy’s mother that he’s getting his jam on with her daughter on a regular basis.
Meanwhile, Leonard notices how alone he is compared to his friends. Howard has Bernadette, Sheldon has Amy (kind of), Stuart is hesitantly dating a girl he picked up at Comic-Con to avoid being lonely and even Raj found a loophole to get by his inability to speak to women by dating a deaf girl. Facing all of this, Leonard invokes the girlfriend pact with Howard; meaning he’ll agree to let Bernadette set Leonard up with one of her friends. Meanwhile, I’m thinking: What about Penny? The pact led to Leonard having an awful date with Joy, an unfeminine and athletic woman who thinks TMI is funny. Even I was repelled by her.
By the end of the show, I was still wondering about Sheldon and Amy. It would be an awesome sub plot to keep revisiting and I wouldn’t mind seeing them become more than just friends. Not to mention that Sheldon’s potential girlfriend handling antics could be the most entertaining addition to the show.
It was only a matter of time until one of these little guys was created. Kudos to the scientists who figured out how to blend spider and chipmunk so well. It really is an accomplishment. Last week when the little guy, nicknamed Katchja, after one of the scientists daughters, was being shown off at the latest Phobia Convention, several psychologists showed a lot of interest in him. “I think that using something like this… [I] might be able to cure some of my patients of their arachnophobia,” (Dr. George Stranopulous, Zyberg Institute). Here’s hoping that little “Katchja” will be able to make the world a more friendly spider place.
In honor of today’s World Cup match against our colonial oppressors, here’s the greatest car commercial of all time.
Now that’s what I call a “special relationship.”
(Thanks for the tip, Luke.)
Poor mister kitty. Look at you hard at work, disrupting the stopper in the sink. You marvel me with your speed and determination. Even though your paws clearly seem to be making no progress, you don’t let it get you down. The world needs more determined people like you. You inspire me.
On the other hand you remind of the guy at the office who works on the third floor, but no one really knows what he does. Those who do know his job can tell you that he’s wasting his time, but no one has the heart to tell him. I don’t have the heart to stop your pointless digging. It’s okay though because you look cute doing it.
Oh my goodness little cold piggy, I just want to scoop you up and put you in my Ugg boots. You have been the inspiration I needed to make bath time purposeful. The kids I baby sit think that I’m trying to drown them when I start filing up the tub. Not even bubbles and rubber duckies are enough to entice them.
In the future I’ll just throw them out in the cold for a half hour or so. By then they’ll be begging me to let them inside and give them a bath. Plus I’ll make an extra dollar that night for having the kids clean for the parents.
Here’s a thank you in advance for helping me solve the crisis of bath time. Hopefully you can remind us all how pleasant a warm bath can be.
