The Yeti » The Yeti Blog

The Revolutionary War: How It REALLY Happened

Andy — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 18:00:52 +0000

In honor of today’s World Cup match against our colonial oppressors, here’s the greatest car commercial of all time.

Now that’s what I call a “special relationship.”

(Thanks for the tip, Luke.)

Cuuuuuuute! (Watch These)

Andy — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 15:30:19 +0000

Poor mister kitty. Look at you hard at work, disrupting the stopper in the sink. You marvel me with your speed and determination. Even though your paws clearly seem to be making no progress, you don’t let it get you down. The world needs more determined people like you. You inspire me.

On the other hand you remind of the guy at the office who works on the third floor, but no one really knows what he does. Those who do know his job can tell you that he’s wasting his time, but no one has the heart to tell him. I don’t have the heart to stop your pointless digging. It’s okay though because you look cute doing it.

Oh my goodness little cold piggy, I just want to scoop you up and put you in my Ugg boots. You have been the inspiration I needed to make bath time purposeful. The kids I baby sit think that I’m trying to drown them when I start filing up the tub. Not even bubbles and rubber duckies are enough to entice them.

In the future I’ll just throw them out in the cold for a half hour or so. By then they’ll be begging me to let them inside and give them a bath. Plus I’ll make an extra dollar that night for having the kids clean for the parents.

Here’s a thank you in advance for helping me solve the crisis of bath time. Hopefully you can remind us all how pleasant a warm bath can be.

Michael Steele and Shep Smith Are the Greatest, In Very Different Ways

Andy — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 13:00:22 +0000

“And let’s go FireNancyPelosi.com, baby!”

(via TPM)

WE HAVE TO MOVE THE CAKE!

Andy — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 18:00:59 +0000

Could someone please explain to me what this is about? I’m so Lost right now. (Boo! Sorry.)

(Via the Daily What.)

Carly Fiorina’s New Attack Ad “Hot Air” is Hot Mess

Andy — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 19:00:04 +0000

My fellow Americans, here we are again, confronted with seven minutes of the most insane/hilarious political propaganda ever created.

Carly Fiorina’s new campaign ad stars Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) as a horrible demon blimp that floats around our nation, babbling indistinctly and casting an ominous shadow over all of us.

I know what you’re thinking: “Who will save us from the comical zeppelin of terror?” Carly can, my child. Carly can.

Who’s Carly? Judging by this video, she’s another millionaire former CEO convinced (correctly) that you can buy advertising with money.

I love the comparisons we see: Carly smiling with a warm backdrop, smash cut to the Boxer Blimp spewing “partisan hot air” (HAHA GET IT? BCUZ SHE’S A BLIMP???) or a shot of her crying at random monuments in DC.

Not that we should be surprised, really. After all, this is a state whose governor slid his way into office toting a funny accent and a “bad ass” movie resume. It was bound to create these little “Carly-Monsters.”

The small truth anyone can and should extract from this abomination is this: the people responsible for this ad are IDIOTS. Carly is a law school drop-out who should be focusing less on comically losing a Senate bid and more on keeping the voices at bay.

The question remains the same: Who believes this shit? Is there someone out there, anyone, who believes Senator Boxer is more concerned with global warming than with actual terrorism? Actually, now that I think about it, of course there is. Probably a lot of people believe that. Which makes it really hard to not just give up and surrender. At least there will always be people like Carly to give people like me something to laugh about.

God bless America.

Boobs & Coke: The Angie Valencia Story

Andy — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 20:00:46 +0000

This is a story about Argentinian lingerie model Angie Valencia, and her alleged cocaine ring.

That’s NOT her. That’s an insurance broker. But, she owns the domain name angievalencia.com. I just wanted to let you know in case you ran there hoping for some glamour shots. THAT’S NOT HER. This is her:

You know, for a lingerie model, she seems to have NO other photos online. Just this blurry scan that keeps getting used. Just how good of a lingerie model is she?

Anyway, this headline grabbed me, obviously:

“Lingerie model Angie Valencia running global cocaine ring — using fellow catwalkers as mules: cops”

Hot chicks engaged in high-stakes crimes? Possibly in their underwear? That sounds awesome!

Oh, wait. Yeah.

Few details seem to have come out about this yet, but in a nutshell, Valencia is accused of running a cocaine ring, using fellow models as drug mules. (They were known as “Angels,” like Charlie’s, except they ran coke, and were probably not familiar with wirework.) Every day, they’d stock up on 100 pounds of coke (or, more than they weighed), and fly from Buenos Aires to Cancun or England to offload. They were pulling $5k per trip, much more than the usual $0 Craigslist ad that promises “EXPOSURE and FOOD!”

This sexy house of sexy cards came tumbling down sexily when one of the models was caught with coke at Ezeiza International Airport. Apparently, she didn’t even hide the coke in the bag, leading investigators to believe she had “help from employees.” Look, I don’t run drugs, but if I did, EVEN if I had inside assistance, I’m still getting the luggage with the false bottoms. If movies have taught me anything – and they have taught me everything – it’s that the “inside men” usually screw things up. So, cover your ass, and get the right bags.

So, as expected, Valencia is at large, and has been for two months, “with her beloved Pomeranian dog.” Because drug lords, first and foremost, need to ensure Miss Schnookypoops is protected. That’s how they got Pablo Escobar; they put a tracking device on his calico. (They did not do that.) Some other fun facts:

She was named Colombia’s “Queen of Coffee” in 2000. Don’t worry; I took the title back in 2001.
She started dealing drugs after splitting from “a Mexican drug lord known as The Monster.” Hey, if I broke up with a woman who only owned a small snow-globe business, I would still avoid the snow-globe industry. Valencia’s got some balls cutting in on The Monster’s territory, especially considering he’s nicknamed THE MONSTER. I doubt he got that nickname because he cut “monster deals.”

And bravo to the New York Daily News for the following lovely bon mot:

“The voluptuous Valencia, named Queen of Coffee in her native Colombia in 2000, apparently moved into stronger stimulants last year after quitting her modeling career.”

Ha! Y’know, like cocaine, where people get killed and their heads removed and sent to their families! Clever girl, NYDN. You can sniff out a joke like a bloodhound.

Look, I want this case to be more exciting. Hopefully, there will be a speedboat chase, where a cocksure, plays-by-his-own-rules FBI agent has to take down Valencia while Michael Cera pilots the boat. (How did his son-in-law ever get caught up in this mess? It’s a laugh riot!) But, no; she’ll either be found hiding out in the Caymans in a month, or we’ll never see her again. Such is the sad divide between fiction and reality: even when Xenu hands us a ridiculously Hollywood-friendly scenario such as this, it’s just going to disappoint.

Unless we find out she stole a speedboat. And that, for some reason, Queen Latifah is chasing her. Then it’ll be fun.

[via NY Daily News]

Cute Animal Alert: Puppies + The Beatles =

Andy — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 16:00:40 +0000

Do we even need to explain?

Cute Animal Alert: Kitten Vocalizes Gustatory Satisfaction

Andy — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 21:30:05 +0000

Dear little kitty,

My mother would love it if her children responded with as much delight and joy as you do while eating your cat food. It’s hard to smile and rub your stomach when you are eating leftovers for the third night in a row! But obviously it isn’t hard for you.

I wish I could bring you to all of the family dinners and have you sit next to me. Unlike a dog who just sucks in food, showing no appreciation to the flavor or taste, you would make anyone feel like a great cook. Nyom nyom nyom nyom!

If only you had been there the day my grandma made me eat an egg sandwich on dry wheat bread. Maybe you could have eaten it in my place.

Cute Animal Alert: Turns Out Angry Koala Bears Are Terrifying

Andy — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:00:03 +0000

I thought that koala bears were supposed to be like those adorable stuffed bears I used to carry around with me when I was little! I was so wrong.

From now on, my koala bear stuffed animal will not have the privilege of sleeping beside me. Oh no. He will go on the floor- for all I know he might want to rip my throat open.

There are two things especially crazy about this video:

1. Koala bears actually moving!

2. The noises coming out of their cute little bodies sound more like death threats from the Devil.

But I’m also a little worried about the person taping this epic charade. He seems very, very concerned.

Perhaps these koalas just need to get a little more sleep in their 16-18 sleeping periods. Or maybe they should think about switching up their diet. It just occurred to me that koalas eat eucalyptus leaves, which are poisonous to other mammals.

What kind of cute creature would eat something that’s poison to other cute creatures? The evil kind, that’s what.

The IMAX: Hubble 3D Movie Looks INCREDIBLE!

Andy — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 16:00:24 +0000

I went to see Avatar with my family in a packed suburban movie theater, and truth be told the only thing that sticks out in my memory now are the trailers, one in particular. Sure, everybody—including myself—made a little gasp or a yummy sound when we saw the words on the green-band message before the trailers lift off of the screen. But they mostly blurred together. It was a slew of standard family fare, such as the latest unnecessary Shrek movie, another Robert Zemeckis animated feature, and a lot of magical sparkly things flying across the screen in 3D. The main attraction hadn’t even started and the audience was already moaning and groaning like the proverbial money shot was imminent. Then the theater fell silent, and it was my turn to blow my movie-going load. A deep orchestral hum started up, the NASA logo appeared, and then the huge IMAX screen was filled with stars and wide angle shots of space equipment.

Call me a dork, but the IMAX: Hubble 3D trailer made me feel like a little boy on Christmas. It seemed completely out of place among all the kids’ movies, and the audience’s silent reaction seemed to agree with me.

I can see how it might be hard to get pumped for a movie that seems like it was made for science centers and museums. But I’ve seen some pretty crazy stuff produced by the Hubble telescope. The Ultra Deep Field 3D—that one time they pointed it at a patch of blank sky for over a week, found an unbelievable amount of galaxies clustered there, and made them into a 3D collage—was pretty memorable.

Stuff like that gets me hooked on the idea of a space documentary with that all-important third dimension added in.

Avatar alone gave me fleeting waves of vertigo; I can only imagine the head popping potential for this movie. Is anyone else with me, or am I just a nerd?