• Girls who wear makeup. First of all, if you are attempting any type of exercise at all you will inevitably sweat. The only reason your ponytails remain perfectly perky and your cover-up evenly distributed is because you are at the gym to score buff meatheads rather than a good workout. Not only that but also there is no need to douse yourself in Dolce & Gabana perfume. Trust me; lifting 5 pound dumbbells will hardly cause you any body odor.

• The Greek life. This group can be divided into two subcategories: The Sisterhood and The Frat Pack.

- The sisterhood is most commonly seen moving in massive groups and singlehandedly obstructing entire portions of the gym behind their wall of tight leggings and Lady Gaga playlists.

- The Frat Pack also tends to move in clusters, preferably in front of the mirror where their bulging biceps can be visible to all, but mostly themselves, through their cut-armed tee shirts.

• People who do not wear proper gym attire. Bathing suits have seemed to become a popular trend amongst guys who think the gym is some type of pool party. Backward hats are also in style even though the gym is inside. It leaves me disgusted and confused. People, you go to the gym to look good when you are not at the gym; it is not a place for fashion statements.

• People who hang their towels on different machines. You do not need to claim territory like a dog that pisses on a tree. You better move your towel before I use it to wipe something other than the seat.

• People who do one machine at a time. There is no need to stay seated in between repetitions so no one else can use the machine. Also, when you’re asked to move, don’t stare for a few seconds and reply, “Oh I’m almost done, I only have two more sets” and continue for ten more minutes.

• People who read books on the treadmill. No, I am not talking about magazines but rather, FULL novels. This isn’t a damn library. If you want to expand your brain read a book, but if you want to stop expanding your body, run faster.

• People who do not bring towels. No one likes a stranger’s soaking wet ass sweat on the machines. At first you do not even notice, but as soon as you sit down you feel that nasty warm wetness seeping through your shorts. Gross.

• People who talk on their cell phones. Like I give a shit how drunk you were last night. Hang up your phone and start burning off that beer belly.

• People who yell at the weights. As if they are going to say something back. “Come on you can do it!” First of all you sound like you’re having an orgasm. Second, who the hell is “you”? Either you’re talking to a lifeless object which is weird, or you’re referring to yourself in second person, which is even weirder.

…and that’s why I hate people at the gym.

Let’s start off by saying that men and women shouldn’t go back to the Stone Age, but I like it when men are men.  I have always appreciated traditional gender roles; maybe that’s because I’m five feet tall and can’t open a jar of pickles by myself. That means men should not be crying when watching The Notebook and not accepting morning sex when it’s offered. If you want to play Black Ops and spew obscenities for hours on end, that’s okay, because I know that’s who’s paying for dinner tomorrow. Also, ladies, there are always going to be things that men do better than us. Deal with it. We can cry our way out of a ticket and flirt with men to get free drinks, so it’s a pretty fair trade.

Lately I’ve been wondering what is going on with the men in our lives. It seems like there is a new trend where men start acting like girls, and it’s driving me crazy. For example, no man says “no” to sex with his girlfriend unless it’s “meaningful” sex. Women are taught that men only care about sex and that they don’t cry or put much stock in emotions. Now they’re switching the game on us and are starting to bitch out and act like emotional girls. If I wanted to date a girl, I would. I want a manly man. He doesn’t have to know how to re-build an engine or build a bookshelf but having a boyfriend that cried less than I do would be ideal.

Women generally attribute more meaning to sex because when we orgasm our bodies release a larger dose of oxytocin, also known as the bonding hormone, while men have more testosterone, which is the hormone of sexual desire. Testosterone drives men to compete for women and to mate with them. Society has this idea that the male sex drives peaks between 17-20 while the female sex drive peaks during the early 30’s but there is no scientific evidence to support this theory. It’s an excuse I’ve heard my friends use multiple times to explain their boyfriend’s low sex drives. It’s easier to blame biology than to think about the numerous other reasons that a man wouldn’t want to sleep with his girlfriend. However I doubt it would cross a woman’s mind that her lustful desires weren’t fulfilling her boyfriend emotionally.

In my last relationship, it was a well-known fact among our friends that my metaphorical penis was bigger than my boyfriend’s. Not because I’m a raging bitch but because once we started dating he stopped acting like a man. Men like this start complaining that you “don’t spend enough time together” even when you live together. He either cries after sex because he messed up and you didn’t get your orgasm (thank you for caring but tears are just unnecessary) or he would rather cuddle than have sex. He might also want to talk about feelings all the time. Contrary to popular belief, women don’t want to talk with their men about feelings 24/7. That’s weird. Let it go.

Maybe our society is going through a shift in gender roles because men are realizing that modern women are intelligent and capable and acting more like men themselves so their traditional male behavior is taking the back burner. I’m not sure what’s causing it, but it makes dating hell.

I understand that all relationships are different and that what’s normal for one couple isn’t going to be normal for every couple; but considering men are biologically disposed to be horn-dogs… well let’s just put it this way: it’s weird when they aren’t.

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Having paper in your wallet by doing little to no work has always been an attractive concept. The proof lies within the growing amount of people who have been joining the World Series of Poker since it first appeared on television. It’s only three days of work for the first prize of over eight million. When it was first televised almost ten years ago, the prime winnings were a lowly cool million. I grew towards poker during my teenage years but found out soon enough that I was no good at it and did not have the patience to dig through books and highlight sections on the practice of “reading your opponent.”

Fortunately, there’s a better option than making the yearly “business” trip to Vegas for a minimal chance at profiting: the stock market. Dow Jones and Apple are up while Yahoo suffers and I’m feeling lucky. They say bears and bulls make money. What about man? Better yet, why not anybody?

As I write this, I’m only about a month deep into studying the stock market and investing but I have an insatiable thirst to watch my money progress into more. With the aid of my trusty financial advisor, Eric, I’ll bring information to the masses on what is or is not a functioning aspect of being a new investor. Time will progress and based on my language, you, as a reader, will probably be able to tell how well or poorly my endeavors are doing. I will not, however, be giving an analysis of the market and why the time may or may not be prime to invest in so-and-so and sell because of this or that. If that’s your expectation then go watch Mad Money with Jim Cramer. It’s got the information you need and the attention-grabbing ability that’s equivalent to kids watching Dora the Explorer or Barney.

Each week I’ll discuss what I’ve learned and share information based on how I’m exploiting the market. Just don’t expect me to admit to any insider trading.

This week’s Term for Success: Time value of money. This relates to the fact that money today could be potentially worth more than the same amount in the future, primarily because it can be invested and has the extra time to grow interest. Example: A $500 savings bond at 5% per year over the course of ten years is actually worth $750. This may not seem like a lot but it is a secure investment.

Last Thurday’s episode explored Sheldon’s relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler while Leonard’s new situation as the only single guy was exploited in the name of hilarity.

Leonard asks Sheldon about Amy, hinting that Sheldon now has a girlfriend. Sheldon makes it very clear that Amy is just a friend and it doesn’t look like their relationship is going to move beyond video chatting and emailing until Amy wants to bring him home to her mom. Sheldon then does everything he can to avoid her, even sending a breakup email to end things quickly. However, Amy eventually gets a chance to tell Sheldon that she only wants to introduce him as her boyfriend to her mother so that she can leave her alone about the subject. He agrees and later gets a chance explain to Amy’s mother that he’s getting his jam on with her daughter on a regular basis.

Meanwhile, Leonard notices how alone he is compared to his friends. Howard has Bernadette, Sheldon has Amy (kind of), Stuart is hesitantly dating a girl he picked up at Comic-Con to avoid being lonely and even Raj found a loophole to get by his inability to speak to women by dating a deaf girl. Facing all of this, Leonard invokes the girlfriend pact with Howard; meaning he’ll agree to let Bernadette set Leonard up with one of her friends. Meanwhile, I’m thinking: What about Penny? The pact led to Leonard having an awful date with Joy, an unfeminine and athletic woman who thinks TMI is funny. Even I was repelled by her.

By the end of the show, I was still wondering about Sheldon and Amy. It would be an awesome sub plot to keep revisiting and I wouldn’t mind seeing them become more than just friends. Not to mention that Sheldon’s potential girlfriend handling antics could be the most entertaining addition to the show.

It was only a matter of time until one of these little guys was created. Kudos to the scientists who figured out how to blend spider and chipmunk so well. It really is an accomplishment. Last week when the little guy, nicknamed Katchja, after one of the scientists daughters, was being shown off at the latest Phobia Convention, several psychologists showed a lot of interest in him. “I think that using something like this… [I] might be able to cure some of my patients of their arachnophobia,” (Dr. George Stranopulous, Zyberg Institute). Here’s hoping that little “Katchja” will be able to make the world a more friendly spider place.

Now that’s what I call a “special relationship.”

(Thanks for the tip, Luke.)

Poor mister kitty. Look at you hard at work, disrupting the stopper in the sink. You marvel me with your speed and determination. Even though your paws clearly seem to be making no progress, you don’t let it get you down. The world needs more determined people like you. You inspire me.

On the other hand you remind of the guy at the office who works on the third floor, but no one really knows what he does. Those who do know his job can tell you that he’s wasting his time, but no one has the heart to tell him. I don’t have the heart to stop your pointless digging. It’s okay though because you look cute doing it.

Oh my goodness little cold piggy, I just want to scoop you up and put you in my Ugg boots. You have been the inspiration I needed to make bath time purposeful. The kids I baby sit think that I’m trying to drown them when I start filing up the tub. Not even bubbles and rubber duckies are enough to entice them.

In the future I’ll just throw them out in the cold for a half hour or so. By then they’ll be begging me to let them inside and give them a bath. Plus I’ll make an extra dollar that night for having the kids clean for the parents.

Here’s a thank you in advance for helping me solve the crisis of bath time. Hopefully you can remind us all how pleasant a warm bath can be.

]]> http://www.theyetionline.com/views/cuuuuuuute-watch-these/feed/ 60 http://www.theyetionline.com/views/michael-steele-and-shep-smith-are-the-greatest-in-very-different-ways/ http://www.theyetionline.com/views/michael-steele-and-shep-smith-are-the-greatest-in-very-different-ways/#comments Tue, 23 Mar 2010 13:00:22 +0000 Morgan http://www.theyetionline.com/?p=1879