[Ed. Note--Our managing editor Felicite Fallon will also be doing The Yeti's recaps of the final season of that show we're all obsessed with, LOST. This is last week's episode, published as a refresher for tonight's shiny new mind explosion extravaganza. Spoiler Alert! (Duh)]

Firstly, a big thank-you to the writers for letting me know up front what I’m in for–right from the outset, I know that any episode titled “What Kate Does” means that my give-a-shit meter is going to be at about 50 percent for the next hour and I can adjust my recapping accordingly. Kate-centric episodes are usually a good timeslot for me to file paystubs or reorganize my spice cabinet, but I will say that this one is pretty solid on the whole.

I have this theory that Jack and Kate are annoying proportional to one another. Like, when Jack is being caring, resourceful and brave as opposed to braindead, that means Kate is going to make me yell at my TV, raise my blood pressure to dangerously high levels, and just be a waste of fictional human life in general. And vice versa—when Kate is up, Jack is down. Sometimes, when they’ve teamed up to be Saints Jack and Kate, handing down orders for the commoners from on high, their insufferability is exactly matched and you can hear birds harmonizing in a perfect fifth.

Well, tonight was not Kate’s moment to shine, but Jack sure came out of this looking squeaky clean for someone who was ready to stand by and let a 12 year old bleed to death.

In the “flash sideways” scenes, Kate abducts Claire’s taxi and forces the cab driver to run over Arzt’s luggage, which is strewn all over the road out in front of the airport. This is why you pack lightly, people—not only will it save you excess baggage fees, but you also won’t have the problem of armed convicts running over your electric toothbrush and palm pilot and whatever other junk Arzt was dragging around. Everyone had palm pilots in 2004, right?

At a red light, the taxi driver hightails it and Claire repeatedly begs for Kate to let her go, which Kate reluctantly does after first demanding Claire hand over her purse. This had better not lead to any tiresome shenanigans where Kate poses as Claire to cover her tracks, because the less said about the last time I had to see Kate in a blonde wig, the better.  I understand this show probably goes absurdly over budget every week, but they couldn’t have allocated more than a fourth grader’s allowance to buy a wig from Sally’s for that episode? But, OK, I understand, it was a long time ago and it’s time for me to let go.

Claire begs for her suitcase, but cold hard Kate sends her on her way empty handed, leaving Claire sobbing by the side of the road. Making Claire cry should be illegal. But well, I guess that still wouldn’t be much of a deterrent for Kate.

Next stop is the greasy auto shop, where Kate gets a mechanic to remove her handcuffs and asks for a place to change but curiously does not ask him to change her plates, which would seem to be a priority. Maybe she doesn’t think she’ll attract any attention driving a stolen taxi. After all, I’ve met ever so many gorgeous, young, female taxi drivers in my day. Perfect disguise.

Kate opens up Claire’s duffel bag and finds an impossibly cute “Myspace ho” style Polaroid of Claire pointing excitedly to her pregnant belly and a big cuddly-looking orca stuffed animal. Kate’s “well, shit” expression here is pretty classic, one of my favorite parts of this episode.

So she drives her Big Yellow Taxi back to where she dropped Claire off and Claire is kind of just sheepishly standing there. Kate gives her back her purse and offers her a ride to her next destination, which seems a little outlandish. This woman is an escaped convict who was pointing a gun at your head just minutes ago. MINUTES! But it seems that no one watches Law and Order: SVU in Australia, because she accepts Kate’s offer and they drive to the home of the couple who is supposed to be taking Claire’s baby.

But oh no! The woman’s husband just left her and she can’t take the baby anymore. I would think that would at least merit a quick phone call or a page or however people communicated in those dark pre-iPhone days, and Kate says basically the same thing, but then Claire interrupts Kate’s moral superiority party with her stupid contractions and it’s off to the hospital! Away!

At the hospital, Claire is wigging, and Kate yanks good Dr. Ethan away from whatever he was doing to see her. [Ed. Note: Ethan whose name is somehow GOODSPEED now??? WHAT??? That’s Horace’s name, not Ethan’s! WE HAVE TO MOVE THE SURNAMES!!!] Now, I’m not sure how hospital protocol works exactly, but I thought Ethan was a surgeon—so what was he doing in the maternity ward anyway? And why would he be taking care of Claire? But maybe this is more alternate timeline weirdness. For now I think we should go with “alternate timeline weirdness” rather than “plot contrivance,” because we’ve already had a few too many of those this episode and this would be a big one if it is. [Ed. Note—Probably is, though.]

Ethan tells her she can have her baby now or in two weeks, when the baby is supposed to be due, and Claire opts to wait. After Ethan leaves, two detectives pop in seeking information about Kate’s whereabouts, and Claire covers while Kate hides. Ugh. I am really not looking forward to following this wearisome albatross of a storyline again for the next couple weeks. I was absolutely ecstatic when the case was finally brought to trial and settled so I wouldn’t have to fidget through any more unengaging, emotionally uninvolving and unconvincing episodes of Kate as a fugitive, [Ed. Note—We only suspend so much disbelief.] and now here it is, back again. It’s like flunking organic chemistry and having to retake it with an even worse teacher.

When the detectives leave, Claire asks Kate what she did, and Kate asks if Claire would believe her if she said she was innocent. Sounds like that might be one of the things that changed in this reality, which actually might make the Kate on the run storyline even less gripping if she’s just doing this for completely noble reasons like covering for someone else or something. [Ed. Note—It’s especially funny because whatever Kate is or isn’t innocent of originally, she is definitely guilty of hijacking a taxi cab at gunpoint.] Claire, continuing her Virgin Mary-esque (yeah, duh) generosity streak, gives Kate her credit card to help her along, and Kate advises her to keep the baby, whom Claire named Aaron spontaneously in a moment of panic for his safety.

Island reality: Sayid is alive, and the reaction is mixed. Jack is overjoyed, Dogen (bearded Asian guy) is suspicious and Sawyer’s give-a-shit meter is rattling around zero—he fires a gun at the group and makes a typical Sawyer exit full of cowboy loner bravado, telling Kate directly not to come after him. He should know by now that this is like inviting her to follow a trail of breadcrumbs to a tasty gingerbread cottage.

"Don't come after me."

(I am so totally coming after you.)

So naturally, as soon as he’s gone, Kate volunteers to retrieve Sawyer, saying she can get him to come back. [Ed. Note—“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.”] Aldo (Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) is skeptical, and demands to accompany her, as do Jin and some other Other.

Jack and Kate share a “nice” goodbye moment, and then against Jack’s better judgment, Sayid is led off to be tortured by Dogen for reasons as yet obscure to us, but the Others’ judgment is backed up by guns so they win. Then, Sayid is tortured. Sigh. I must say I am getting mighty tired of seeing characters on this show writhe around in untold pain. There must be other ways to ratchet up the dramatic tension and I urge you to explore them, writers. Also I am squeamish and please stop what are you doing with the poker oh god stop I’ll tell you everything! [Ed. Note—Also, the irony of the torturer being tortured has already been done, and that episode was great, so please stop peeing on it, Lost writers.]

Their tactics are less effective on Sayid, however, especially since they don’t ask him any questions. Lennon (the guy from Me, You and Everyone We Know with the round glasses) tells him it was a test, and he passed, but after Sayid is gone, he asks Dogen if he lied to him, and Dogen is like, “Yup.”

Jack goes in to have a chat with Dogen about this whole torture business, and let me stop here for a second because my heart is just bursting with pride. He doesn’t throw any punches, he doesn’t shout or breathe heavily through his nostrils, and he takes time to actually hear what other people are saying. Jack is now almost as mature as most five year olds! You are getting a gold star on this week’s progress report for sure, mister!

Dogen tells Jack that Sayid is “infected,” and wants Jack to give Sayid some echinacea to cure him, which will only be effective if Sayid takes it willingly.

Seriously, if that is not echinacea, then I don't even know what's real anymore

Jack: “I’m not going to give anything to Sayid unless I know what’s in it.”

Dogen: “This is your chance to redeem yourself.”

Jack: “OK, I will give this to Sayid without knowing what’s in it.”

Jack goes back to Sayid but is conflicted, especially when Sayid expresses complete trust in whatever decision Jack comes to. Jack has had quite enough of taking things on faith Season One Locke style, so he goes back to Dogen and demands to know what’s in the pill, and when Dogen refuses to tell him, he swallows it. Dogen forces him to spit it back up and admits that it’s poison. Whoops! Well, better Jack than Sayid. Not even—no, especially if it’s really Zombie Sayid, which some fans have been speculating. Sayid is already a badass, so just imagine the badass potential of a Zombie Sayid. The whole eating brains thing might get in the way of Sayid’s trademark eloquence and winningly genteel personality, but I think we could all use of break from watching everyone wave guns around, so I’m for it.

Dogen makes tea for Jack, tells him he’s afraid that Sayid has been “claimed,” and that everything that was Sayid will soon be gone. This calls to mind the “sickness” that befell Rousseau’s other scientist friends. Hmm.

[Ed. Note—He also says it’s what happened to Jack’s “sister,” who we know is Claire from way back, (guessed it way back in Season Two, boo yah) which isn’t convincingly ominous for me because all Claire did was hang out in a cabin with her dad’s ghost. Not really that terrible a deal if you ask me. Can I get “claimed,” please?]

Meanwhile, in the woods, Aldo/Mac is still skeptical of Kate’s tracking abilities, for no real reason. The more Kate asserts her authority, the more aggressive he gets, like the aggro bro he is, until finally she springs one of Rousseau’s old traps and knocks both of the others out. I guess that’s why he was suspicious. Am I expecting sweet relief from annoying characters I don’t really care about? Nope, Kate’s still here. She’s a huge bitch to Jin, who wants to go find Sun, for no reason, and then she takes off to go find Sawyer.

When she does find him, it’s naturally at the worst possible moment. Sawyer is sharing a private moment in the bedroom of the house he shared with Juliet with a shoebox he buried underneath the floorboards, because of course he is. Kate tries to slink away unseen but Sawyer catches her. She follows him out to the dock, where he contemplates the engagement ring he was going to give Juliet. He blames himself for her death because he convinced her to stay on the island, which I think is a bit of a stretch even for the perpetually guilt-ridden characters on this show, [Ed. Note—Seriously, it’s like it’s always someone else’s fault and no one ever makes their own decisions or is responsible for their own desti-MIND EXPLOSION] but this is a lovely scene so I’ll let it slide. After Sawyer leaves, Kate begins to weep, and the icicles around my cold metal heart melt a little for her.

While Jin is drinking some water from a stream, Aldo/Mac and the other Other stop by for a cordial revenge beating. Just as Aldo/Mac is really getting warmed up, however, they are both shot. My favorite thing about this show is that you know any and all deeply annoying minor characters will be swiftly and satisfyingly dispatched. Farewell, Aldo/Mac! And OMGCLIFFHANGERENDING!!! The shooter is Claire, who emerges from the bushes in desperate need of deep hair conditioning.

]]> http://www.theyetionline.com/entertainment-culture/tv/lost-s06e03-what-kate-does-is-annoying/feed/ 1 http://www.theyetionline.com/entertainment-culture/tv/lost-s06e01-welcome-back-huh/ http://www.theyetionline.com/entertainment-culture/tv/lost-s06e01-welcome-back-huh/#comments Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:00:39 +0000 Andy http://www.theyetionline.com/?p=1418

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[Ed. Note--Our managing editor Felicite Fallon will also be doing The Yeti's recaps of the final season of that show we're all obsessed with, Lost. Normally our TV recaps are very picture-intensive, but with this show it's like "Why bother? It won't to help us be any less confused." So yeah, no pictures. Sorry? Anyway, Spoiler Alert! (Duh)]

Listen here, Lost. If you think you can just walk out of my life for eight months without so much as a postcard to let me know your characters were alive, if you think you can play these crazy head games with me by tearing apart the very fabric of space and time just to torture these poor sad nitwits who got trapped in your nonsensical web of sadism and shouty gunfire—oh hell, you can do whatever you want as long as you give me more delicious, delicious Ian Somerhalder. Lost, I’ve missed you.

So, Lost is back. Yay for us! But boo for the castaways, who now seem stuck in parallel dimensions (or maybe just elaborate fantasy escapism/audience mindfuckery), one in which the explosion of the hydrogen bomb plan didn’t work but conveniently blasts them out of 1977 and into the present, and one in which it apparently did, and they land in LAX like nothing happened, which really is the worst reward I can think of for all that effort. I’ll take the smoke monster and Ben Linus’ terrifying stare if I never have to endure another layover in LAX. You’re there for eight hours with the yelling kids and that awful beeping noise the security guards’ carts make when they back up and there’s nothing there but a Burger King and a newsstand and—oh, but this isn’t really about me.

Anyway, So the one-time castaways are riding along to LAX like nothing happened. But things did happen! Because it’s different now! Jack has this mysterious shaving cut and Cindy, fearing the return of the alcoholism-fueled mountain man beard, only slips him one minibottle of booze instead of two! Hurley is lucky! DESMOND IS ON THE PLANE! Boone is—hi, Boone! It is so great to see you again, seriously, and um, wow, you look great! Maybe, we could grab coffee sometime or uh, oh hey, where’s Shannon?

And let’s not forget Charlie nearly dying in the airplane bathroom, instead of drowning in the most tragic and heartbreaking television death of all time basically. Jack saves him by pulling the bag of heroin out of his throat, but as Charlie is escorted back to his seat, he shouts bitterly at Jack that he was SUPPOSED TO DIE.  Either way, watch where you’re throwing those anvils, Hobbit. You’re gonna hurt someone.

Once our heroes have landed at LAX, we are reminded of all the ways in which their pre-island lives were awful. The airline lost Jack’s father’s coffin, Locke is in a wheelchair and sans one bag of knives, and Kate is back in handcuffs. Kate runs from the cops as an excuse to let her point a gun at someone’s head, (this show is contractually obligated to have someone do that every 10 minutes) and also to escape into a taxi with Claire, probably so they can have lots of agonizingly, secretly significant interactions. You know, girl talk. Welcome back, Claire. Your authentic Australian accent is like a soothing balm after the cavalcade of terrible imitations we are subjected to on this show.

On the island, our heroes are in considerably more perilous circumstances. Despite Sawyer’s best efforts to save her, Juliet dies in his arms after a coffee invitation, her last words being “I have to tell you something, it’s really important…” This show is so meta? Who am I kidding—half the time they don’t even have the courtesy to drop a hint or two that something is important (I’m looking at you, Black Rock). The non sequitur coffee invitation and the offer to go Dutch could mean many things—one, that Juliet is an empowered 20th century woman, or possibly that she is flashing sideways, or that her mind is wandering as we’ve seen is sometimes an effect of time travel (like Charlotte’s final hours), or one of a million other things no one has thought of. Either way, she is very, very dead and Sawyer is very, very angry and Jack is very, very mopey. But then angry and mopey seem to be their two favorite emotions so I don’t see what’s so special about this particular anger vs. mope contest.

The castaways have more pressing problems, anyway—Sayid is dying from the bullet in his abs, and ghost Jacob comes to visit Hurley, telling him to take Sayid to the temple, where are they promptly attacked by yet another band of Others, the Other Others? Just how many Others are there? How do they decide who lives where? Is it a merit system or more based in nepotism? I bet Richard would let anyone guard the temple if they promised not to spill his moisturizing and eyeliner secrets to everyone.

But the Other Others can’t save Sayid. Then they collectively freak out when Hurley tells them Jacob is dead, and shoot off a firework, which seems pretty festive for such a sad occasion. Maybe they are celebrating that with Jacob gone, he won’t be bringing any more yahoos to traipse through the jungle and get a lot of people killed. Or maybe they were trying to warn the other Others [Ed. Note--the Original Others? Or the Other Other Others? We've all lost track] on the other side of the island (do you see what I’m saying about the name?), who don’t yet know that Jacob is dead.

Speaking of the other Others, crazy things are going down! Ben has just seen Coca Cola Classic Locke lying peacefully dead in the sand and is a tad wigged. Richard, fearing that some sort of unexpected mischief has gone down, sends Ben back into Jacob’s hideout with a few of Jacob’s men, where New Coke Locke promptly morphs into the smoke monster and kills them all. The smoke monster spinoff is looking more plausible every day! Coke Zero Locke chats with Ben about all the improvements he has made to Coca Cola Classic Locke, who was a loser and a failure, but Ben seems to think the change in marketing direction was ill-advised. Locke disagrees, strides outside, steals Richard, and walks out, leaving everyone kind of buh guh wuh?

Oh, and then Sayid comes back to life. But is it really Sayid or is it Jacob reincarnated? If so, then I must say he could not have chosen a better vessel for his gentle, benevolent, altruistic, totally not-manipulative spirit.