Boobs & Coke: The Angie Valencia Story
This is a story about Argentinian lingerie model Angie Valencia, and her alleged cocaine ring.
That’s NOT her. That’s an insurance broker. But, she owns the domain name angievalencia.com. I just wanted to let you know in case you ran there hoping for some glamour shots. THAT’S NOT HER. This is her:
You know, for a lingerie model, she seems to have NO other photos online. Just this blurry scan that keeps getting used. Just how good of a lingerie model is she?
Anyway, this headline grabbed me, obviously:
“Lingerie model Angie Valencia running global cocaine ring — using fellow catwalkers as mules: cops”
Hot chicks engaged in high-stakes crimes? Possibly in their underwear? That sounds awesome!
Oh, wait. Yeah.
Few details seem to have come out about this yet, but in a nutshell, Valencia is accused of running a cocaine ring, using fellow models as drug mules. (They were known as “Angels,” like Charlie’s, except they ran coke, and were probably not familiar with wirework.) Every day, they’d stock up on 100 pounds of coke (or, more than they weighed), and fly from Buenos Aires to Cancun or England to offload. They were pulling $5k per trip, much more than the usual $0 Craigslist ad that promises “EXPOSURE and FOOD!”
This sexy house of sexy cards came tumbling down sexily when one of the models was caught with coke at Ezeiza International Airport. Apparently, she didn’t even hide the coke in the bag, leading investigators to believe she had “help from employees.” Look, I don’t run drugs, but if I did, EVEN if I had inside assistance, I’m still getting the luggage with the false bottoms. If movies have taught me anything – and they have taught me everything – it’s that the “inside men” usually screw things up. So, cover your ass, and get the right bags.
So, as expected, Valencia is at large, and has been for two months, “with her beloved Pomeranian dog.” Because drug lords, first and foremost, need to ensure Miss Schnookypoops is protected. That’s how they got Pablo Escobar; they put a tracking device on his calico. (They did not do that.) Some other fun facts:
- She was named Colombia’s “Queen of Coffee” in 2000. Don’t worry; I took the title back in 2001.
- She started dealing drugs after splitting from “a Mexican drug lord known as The Monster.” Hey, if I broke up with a woman who only owned a small snow-globe business, I would still avoid the snow-globe industry. Valencia’s got some balls cutting in on The Monster’s territory, especially considering he’s nicknamed THE MONSTER. I doubt he got that nickname because he cut “monster deals.”
And bravo to the New York Daily News for the following lovely bon mot:
“The voluptuous Valencia, named Queen of Coffee in her native Colombia in 2000, apparently moved into stronger stimulants last year after quitting her modeling career.”
Ha! Y’know, like cocaine, where people get killed and their heads removed and sent to their families! Clever girl, NYDN. You can sniff out a joke like a bloodhound.
Look, I want this case to be more exciting. Hopefully, there will be a speedboat chase, where a cocksure, plays-by-his-own-rules FBI agent has to take down Valencia while Michael Cera pilots the boat. (How did his son-in-law ever get caught up in this mess? It’s a laugh riot!) But, no; she’ll either be found hiding out in the Caymans in a month, or we’ll never see her again. Such is the sad divide between fiction and reality: even when Xenu hands us a ridiculously Hollywood-friendly scenario such as this, it’s just going to disappoint.
Unless we find out she stole a speedboat. And that, for some reason, Queen Latifah is chasing her. Then it’ll be fun.
[via NY Daily News]
